5 Ways I Battle Anxiety

If you are in a dark place or currently being hounded by the black dog, please consider whether you are up for reading on. The last thing I want is for my writing to act as a trigger. And if you feel as if you are alone in this fight, please do what I've done on multiple occasions and call Lifeline: 13 11 14.

Source: http://www.hotsaucedrops.com/tag/mental-health-awareness/

I live with an anxiety disorder. It took me 28 years to accept this truth. As I work through past trauma with my shrink, we uncover more and more instances where my anxiety impacted the decisions I made. When left unchecked it often manifests into panic attacks.

The Victorian Government's 'Better Health' website offers a fair dinkum explanation of panic attacks: "A panic attack is a brief episode of intense anxiety, which causes the physical sensations of fear. These can include a racing heartbeat, shortness of breath, dizziness, trembling and muscle tension. Panic attacks occur frequently and unexpectedly and are often not related to any external threat. A panic attack can last from a few minutes to half an hour. However, the physical and emotional effects of the attack may last for a few hours." 

The majority of my panic attacks have occurred silently in toilet cubicles. My breathing and heartbeat will be erratic, I'll sweat profusely, and my hands and legs will tremble. The next thing I'll register is laying my cheek on the ground and feeling as if someone is pressing a steel-capped boot down on my chest. The first time I experienced this I thought I was dying.

I want to offer 5 ways I assist my disorder and mental health issues. I just want to make this clear: I am not a health professional. I have consulted my GP, a registered nurse and another sufferer about this post and they have kindly offered editions.

5. Preach to yourself

One of the scariest things I've ever had to deal with is the thought that my mind is betraying me. It wasn't that long ago that people who admitted such things were removed from society and placed somewhere your mind will almost certainly betray you.

It's not easy to hear that what you are thinking is not reality. But that is so often what happens to people who live with anxiety or panic disorders, and it's not their fault. What you need to do when it comes to something as extreme as a panic attack is develop what I call a communication strategy.

Here's what I do: I start by whispering to myself, "My God will not leave me." This will then take me to my grandmother's front garden in the Blue Mountains. I will stare into the pond and try and scoop out some tadpoles. Then I will hear the king parrots and turn and look up at the overhanging trees. By the time I finish this scenario, I will (hopefully) be able to think clearly enough to rest my hands on my chest and begin to slow my breathing.

I can't stress how important it is to develop some kind of communication strategy that you can lean on when shit hits the fan.

4. Endorphins are your best friend

I don't know anything about science. I often tell my chemistry mate that I watch movies like Spider-Man and The Hulk and think, "That makes perfect sense! A psychedelic spider bit him, and now he doesn't need glasses!" It drives my mate crazy.

What I do know is that endorphins are your best friend. I don't go to the gym to (primarily) lose weight or get "ripped". If this were the case, I would've cancelled my membership a long time ago! No, I go to the gym to get some endogenous opioid neuropeptides and peptide hormones in my life. As far as I'm concerned, endorphins are proof that there is an ever-loving God.

Back when I was writing my Masters of Research thesis, I needed to get to the gym in the morning to clear my mind and get some feel-good endorphins pumping before I disappeared into a world of books and intellectual thought. It was an isolating and confidence-shaking experience. There were weeks where depression and anxiety threatened to derail my study, marriage and life. Halfway through my thesis writing year, I had a major setback. I was advised to take a leave of absence and address my mental health issues.

Numerous issues needed to be addressed, but I recognised my need to bushwalk and get on the treadmill every morning to start my day positively.

Last year the Mayo clinic published a compelling article on how exercise eases symptoms of depression and anxiety. I would suggest you check it out, consider how you might start a regular exercise routine and be sure to track improvements in your mood and thought.

3. Learn to laugh

I turn into a hermit when I spiral. My social media activity lessens (not necessarily a bad thing), social activities feel like climbing Everest, and I often feel such a sense of shame that I shy away from seeing anyone. One of my best mates is aware of this, and he somehow finds the ability to knock down my front door, armed with a classic comedy flick. (We recently revisited one of my favourite Robin Williams stand up shows!)

Laughter is a way that we can work through social anxiety and improve our momentary feelings, thoughts and outlook. Don't downplay it, I often send thank you texts to mates who bring out my funny side. Fair dinkum scientists have actually done tests and found that "laughter lowers blood pressure and releases beta-endorphins, a morphine-like compound in the brain that creates a sense of euphoria."

If you feel like you are too far gone or incapable of laughing, that's okay. You don't want to ignore that. What I would suggest is that you try and set up a safe and comfortable opportunity to let some LOLs out. Here's an idea: Grab your phone or laptop, get hooked up to some form of WiFi, make yourself comfy, and watch some stand up on YouTube. I'm always going to suggest Robin Williams, but it really depends on what floats your boat.

2. Discover mindfulness

"What's next? Jedi mind tricks?"

That was my initial response to 'mindfulness'.

I have since grown up a smidgen and have done a fair amount of reading on mindfulness and quieting the mind.

There are two books I found helpful in beginning to understand mindfulness and quieting the mind, Capturing Mindfulness and Quieting The Mind by Matthew Johnstone. These books may look like something I ought to be reading to my daughter, but they actually serve a real purpose for adults. Often our minds are so clogged that we lose our way. At this point, it's difficult to know your arse from your head! These books will begin to explain and assist you in understanding what is happening and give you the space you need to properly relax and let go.

Next up are apps. Apps? Apps! There are a variety of mindfulness and meditation apps that you can download for free. The latest I've been indulging in is Headgear. It's an initiative started in Australia by teams at UNSW, Sydney University, the Brain and Mind Centre and The Black Dog Institute. There's numerous options Headgear will offer you, I've found the 'mood gauge' and '30 Day Challenge' the most helpful. (Note: I've actually done the 30 Day Challenge twice!)

The most important thing is to find what works for you.

1. What's up, Doc?

In 2015 I was told that I should consider taking medicine to assist with my anxiety and depression issues.

"Out of the question."

If I was going to take medicine, then I was admitting to having a serious problem. All I needed was a short break from the intense study that I had undertaken. I told myself that maintaining my university scholarship had taken its toll and I just needed to come up for air. All I needed was some good beer, folk music, a decent novel and sport. So that's what I did; I stepped out of the rat race for a fortnight.

Within a month of returning to my studies, I was right back to where I was before. My nights consisted of staring at the crack in the bedroom ceiling, dwelling on the literature review and methodology report I had to get done and contemplating where I might run off to this weekend.

After performing an Oscar-worthy meltdown in an academic's office, I decided that it was finally time to listen to my GP.

Whenever pride and frustration boiled to the surface, and I admitted to not wanting to take pills, my GP would ask,

"Would anyone in their right mind expect you to run if your leg was broken?"

"No."

"So why is this any different?"

I still haven't answered her question.

Looking back today, I can't help but wonder where I would be if I hadn't managed to find my general practitioner at the Macquarie University GP Clinic.

It is imperative that people who suffer from anxiety disorders and depression find a health professional who is equipped to help. I'm not saying you have to take medicine, but it is vital that you consult professionals who have made it their mission to find solutions to these illnesses.

My wonderful GP doesn't just prescribe medicine. She set me up with a brilliant psychologist, who I still see, she talks to me about my diet and the kinds of food that I ought to be splashing the cash on, she opened my eyes to community mental health teams and mental health plans, and she has even supported my dear wife. Not every GP will go this far (or specialise in mental health issues), but it is worth your while to find a GP who is willing to support you in this fight. 

Let me put it this way, find your Angelo Dundee and don't let him/her go. 

5 Thomas Starkey Letters

In 2016, Macquarie University did me a solid and published my Masters of Research thesis: "A common wele of true nobylyte": Thomas Starkey and Italian Renaissance Republican Thought in Sixteenth-Century England. While it took me the best part of 18 months to navigate my way through the complex and ever-changing world of the Veneto, Tudor England and Republican and civic humanist thought during the 15th and 16th centuries, Thomas Starkey's letters had me hook, line and sinker from day one. 

I believe Thomas Starkey, diplomat and chaplain to Henry VIII, either didn't live long enough to fulfil his (political) potential, or the charismatic civic humanist was too much of an idealist for his own good. In his will, dated 25 August 1538, Starkey left his father a significant amount of money in thanks for his "good lernyng," which led him to study at Magdalen College, Oxford University, before attaining post-graduate degrees in Venice and Paris. 

A significant shift occurred while Starkey was studying in Padua and Venice. The budding law and medicine student started dabbling in the kind of political thought that could cost you your head in Henry VII and Henry VIII's England. Under the tutelage of leading civic humanists and political philosophers, Starkey started contemplating how England could reform itself politically, legally, spiritually and most importantly educationally to match the wonder that he believed was the Republic of Venice.

In his letters addressed to Henry VIII, Thomas Cromwell, Reginald Pole and a number of Italians who taught and advised Starkey, we find an optimistic reformer, turn a frustrated and worried man who, at times, must've felt like a fish out of water in Henry VIII's court. (Note: The majority of Starkey's letters are preserved in the Parliamentary Archives in London.)

I'm going to share excerpts from Starkey's letters and, through his correspondence, weave a tale of his short but trailblazing life. 

5. Starkey's plea to Pole

Reginald Pole

Reginald Pole, the second son of Sir Richard Pole, cousin of Henry VII, and Margaret Plantagenet, Countess of Salisbury, was born in the year 1500. By all accounts, Henry VIII showed his younger cousin favour, resulting in Henry footing the bill for Reginald's study at Oxford University and gifting the young noble a rich ecclesiastical benefice. There was also little doubt that Henry VIII wanted his cousin to scale the heights of the English Church and eventually serve the crown as a high ranking clergyman and scholar.

While there is no evidence that Thomas Starkey met Pole during their studies at Magdalen College in Oxford, it's likely their paths crossed as the pair would travel, along with Thomas Lupset, to Padua in 1522. In Reginald, Starkey saw someone of true English nobility (Starkey hailed from the Cheshire gentry) who possessed the education and ability to become a civic humanist leader. Starkey just needed to convince the often withdrawn Pole to embrace the vita activa (the active life - public service), capitalise on his royal ties and emerge as a political leader in Henry VIII's ever-evolving court. 

In 1529, Starkey, Pole and Lupset returned to England after several years of studying at the University of Padua and took up residence in the Pole family manor in Sheen. It's during this period that Thomas Wolsey, on behalf of Henry VIII, approached the three highly educated and capable rhetoricians to travel to Paris to debate with French scholars regarding the king's "great matter"; Henry's desired divorce from Catherine of Aragon and marriage to Anne Boleyn. 

The Paris mission was a resounding success. We know this as soon after Starkey returned to England he was gifted land in Kent. By now Starkey was riding high and ready to push for Pole to assert himself in London. On top of this, Starkey started putting his reform ideas down on paper in the form of a political dialogue (a nod to the Italian humanists who inspired him - Pietro Bembo, Gasparo Contarini and Niccolo Leonico).

Cast as the protagonist and key reformer in this dialogue was none other than Reginald Pole. Through Pole, Starkey called for widespread change in England; ranging from the formation of two Venetian-styled councils made up of properly educated English noblemen who would govern alongside the (preferably elected) monarch, to widespread educational change which would see Cicero's studia humanitatis adopted, and English bibles and church services being embraced. 

There was just one problem, Reginald Pole's wrought conscience regarding his cousin's "great matter" got the better of him, resulting in Pole leaving England in 1532. Pole's departure led Starkey, who was serving as a chaplain to Henry VIII and diplomat to the "mastur secretary" (Thomas Cromwell), to write to Pole in 1535, asking his friend to "geve his opinyone to the kinges grace touching on hys desyre in lyfe and his oppinyone for the Alteryng of Relygeon and the Abolishing of the popes Authoritye."

Before Starkey finished his 1535 letter beseeching Pole to return to England and work alongside him under the king, he tried to appeal to his friend's civic humanist teaching:

"For the desyre wych I haue long nuryschyd in my brest to serue thys our mastur & prynce ys in thys stabyl, & I trust euer schalbe, in hys seruyce to serue god & my cuntrey, to the wych purpos the rest of my lyfe I wyl now dedycate to hys grace & wyth such hart & mynd serue hym wythal as ys conuenyent to a true faythful & chrystyan subiect toward hys most nobul & catholyke prynce: thys ys my mynd & I am sure the same ys yourys, the wych I trust in factys you schal haue place schortly to declare & thys I commyt you to god."

4. Pole hits reply

When Reginald became Cardinal Pole

There has been much debate amongst historians surrounding the reasons Reginald Pole left England after the Paris mission and why it took him so long to reply to Starkey. The explanation I find most convincing was first presented by historian Sidney Herrtage, who claimed that Pole did not respond in length to Starkey, merely sending brief acknowledgement messages to his friend, because he was testing the waters in Rome and negotiating work (and security) within the Pope's realm. This would explain why Pole delayed revealing his damning beliefs.

Another debate that has been waged centres on whether Pole had made up his mind when he wrote to Starkey in June 1535, promising to reveal his beliefs and future ambitions and movements, adding that he would "weigh Scripture, laying apart all authoryte of men." Starkey's response in August demonstrated his continued belief that Pole would still return to England, serve in Henry VIII's court and improve England's "lake of true jugement of polytyke thyngys."

The question this leaves me with is whether Starkey would have fled England if he had an inkling as to what Pole was going to send to him (and Henry VIII), in the form of a forwarding letter and Pole's Pro ecclesiasticae unitatis defensione (In Defense of Ecclesiastical Unity).

If Starkey was correct in claiming that Pole was duplicitous and sheepish in his correspondence leading up to Pole sending his damning book in May 1536, then let's just say that the gloves were now off. In Book I of Defensione, Pole wrote:

"When, however, I reflect on your deed, I am completely dissolved in tears and seriously fear for your salvation. On the other hand, when I consider your deed, it seems I should not only not be fearful for you and pray God to avert His punishment from you, but rather that I should beseech God for the glory of His name to bring this punishment as quickly as possible."

"But Heaven is closed to you; it is closed to your soul. Through these years since you lapsed into this impiety, no heavenly shower has poured into your soul. You have not eaten the fruit of virtue. But as one completely bereft of the spirit of God, you have turned to plunder and slaughter." 

Can you imagine what Henry must've felt? Furthermore, can you imagine what Starkey was thinking after reassuring Cromwell and Henry VIII that Pole would return to England and support the king's claims and agenda? 

Up until this point, Thomas Cromwell had been pleased with Starkey's work, both as a chaplain to Henry and as an advisor and diplomat. In fact, Starkey had mentioned to one of his Italian teachers that he and Cromwell would talk long into the night about spiritual, political and legal matters.

3. Starkey slams Pole

Thomas Cromwell

Not long after Henry VIII had received Pole's book, Cromwell sent word that Starkey's public preaching and chaplaincy work was under review. This was an effective way for the king's right-hand man to send a frightening message. You didn't have to look far for examples of what happened to those who crossed Cromwell. (Note: Anne Boleyn was beheaded in May 1536.)

In what must've been one of the most painful letters he had to write, Starkey pled his case to Cromwell and, in effect, threw Pole further under the bus.

"I neuer studyd nor laburyd thyng more ernystely then I dyd to brynge that man [Pole], for whose faute I now perceyue I am blamyd, to hys offyce & dewtye."

What else could Starkey do? Pole was safe in Venice and Rome. Starkey had no such protection. 

"I neuer thought hym to be of so corrupt a jugement & sentence in thys mater of the primacy, & therof I put you in hope & expectatyon, & so I dyd the kyng also, aftur he had commandyd me to wryte vn-to hym hys plesure & request, of the wych hope that I am so deceyuyd, he lyuythe not wych ys more sorowful then am I, not hys owne mother wych bare hym, & now repentyth of hys bryngyng forthe to lyght... therfore, my lord, to blame me for hys deede can not be wythout grete Iniury."

Starkey's masterstroke came in the form of a blunt letter he wrote to Pole in 1536. For all his idealism (and perhaps naivety), Starkey would've known that Cromwell and his agents would intercept any correspondence sent to the continent, and so to further defend himself he wrote a scathing letter to Pole.

"Wherfor though of late I had determynd neuer to wryte you agayne, yet aftur I had rede your boke I was so affectyd, and wyth your ingratytude toward our prynce and cuntre so offendyd, that I could not tempur myselfe nor satysfye my mynde wythout some declaratyon therof by wrytyng to you schowyd."

"Wherin I wyl not entur to dyspute the ground of the mater wych requyryth rather a boke then a lettur, but only I schal a lytyl open to you, the grete imprudence & foly, the destabul vnkyndnes & Iniury schowyd in your sentence bothe toward your prynce frendys & cuntrey."

2. Starkey appeals to God the king

A man who needs no introduction

By the start of 1537, Starkey had suffered a further blow as news of Reginald Pole being made a Cardinal by Pope Paul III had reached the shores of Britain. In a bold effort to beat Thomas Cromwell to the punch and try and return to the king's inner circle (and favour), Starkey wrote a detailed letter to the king outlining his desire to serve his monarch and "the vnyuersal & commyn welthe of your Reame."

The first matter raised? 

Pole. 

"I can not but gretely sorow & greuousely lament the corrupt sentence herin of maystur Pole in hys wrytyng declaryd, by whome I trustyd surely to haue seen a lernyd jugement schowyd to the world, that bothe your grace schold haue taken pleysure therof, hys frendys comfort, & al hys cuntrey taken profytt of the same."

With Pole's treasonous writing addressed, Starkey addresed the next accusation Cromwell might launch against him: the state of public preaching in England. 

"Precharys, wych haue run somewhat at large now... expowne theyr owne fantasys, slyppyng raschely bothe from the sentence of the auncyent interpretarys of Chrystys doctryne & from the consent & custume of thys church."

Starkey was speaking straight from the Book of Henry VIII (aka kissassery). Furthermore, Starkey identified those he believed wanted to "haue the pope to be restoryd to hys old authoryte" and explained why the "the old & blynd superstycyon" of the pope and his followers will never take hold in England again. One of the reasons for this is because Henry, in all his apparent wisdom, had identified the failure of monastaries to develop Godly members of the clergy, and Starkey argued that these buildings, finances and land should be given to "men of letturys & lernyng."

After emploring Henry to take further steps to reform England legally and politically, Starkey finished by reassuring his king: 

"I trust that Englond, gouernyd & rulyd by your hygh wysedome & iugement, your pepul beynd temperyd wyth soburnes & modestye, schal raynystur such exampul & gyue such lyght therin that al other chrystian pryncys hereaftur schal gladly folow thys alteratyon, & much desyre in theyr commyn welys to see lyke ordur of pollycy."

The question Starkey now wanted to be answered was whether he was safe to return to court and if he would be able to resume his work as chaplain and advisor to Henry VIII.

1. Starkey vs. Cromwell

Public executions were quite the social occasion in Tudor England

One of the things that made Thomas Cromwell such an effective agent and reformer was that he knew that everyone is guilty of something. It may not have been the crime (or sin) that he wanted to charge someone with, but the wily lawyer knew how to get what he wanted. 

There's little doubt that this is just one of the reasons Reginald Pole refused to return to England when he was asked directly by Henry VIII following Pole's appointment as a Cardinal in 1537. I also believe Starkey would've taken note of Cromwell's nature during the late night discussions of legal and political matters the pair had.

I believe that this is why Starkey dropped off the face of the earth in the second half of 1537. There are no preserved letters written by Starkey during this period, all we have is a dedicatory letter that was sent to Henry VIII accompanied with Starkey's completed Dialogue Between Pole and Lupset. The only remaining document we have that refers to Thomas Starkey is in the form of his will, dated 25 August 1538. 

So what happened to the man who once served as a chaplain and advisor to one of the wealthiest and strongest monarchs in Europe? (Say what you want about Henry VII's shrewd and conservative rule, he left his son in a very strong position in 1509.)

I don't think we will ever know for certain. If I had to put money down, I'd say that Starkey fled London once he firmly believed that Henry VIII wouldn't stop Cromwell from charging him with some guiltless crime.

It's also clear that by this point Cromwell had little use for Starkey. The Archbishop of Canterbury, Thomas Cranmer, was Cromwell's main man when it came to religious reform and disputes, and Cranmer's lack of political ability actually suited Cromwell. I also don't think Cromwell ever forgave Starkey for failing to bring Reginald Pole home to England.

I imagine Starkey hit the open road, most likely heading down to Kent, hoping to lay low for a while, before returning to the capital. (Note: Starkey would have been around 37-years-old in 1537.)

In his groundbreaking research, T.F. Mayer argued that Starkey was likely travelling through plague-infested areas of England in 1537 and died prematurely in 1538.

In many ways, Starkey was before his time. His Republican and educational ideals would be revisited in the 17th century - lest we forget that illiteracy clocked in at 90 per cent in 16th century England, and his Dialogue would've been lauded by many during the 17th century. I'd go as far as to say that if his educational, legal and political reforms were taken seriously, then England probably would've avoided civil war.

At the end of the day, I don't believe Starkey was willing to cross the blood-soaked line that Cromwell and many others were. In fact, Starkey was better suited for the vita contemplativa.